Is it better to know and be disappointed? Or to not know and be left wondering?

We all come with baggage. Some of us just have a quick carry-on parcel that contains just a few items. Some of us have a full set of luggage. And some of us carry trunks and suitcases that are dinged and banged from years of abuse.

If past relationships have taught me anything, it is that the value is learned only once the “parcel” has been discarded.

However, I don’t reuse baggage and therefore I toss the past into the trunks of my life.

And yet sometimes a parcel is retrieved from the lost luggage bin and finds it way to my door, or my inbox, rather.

And so here I sit, staring at the past that wants to be my present providing me with information about my present in hopes of making it my past.

Sometimes life makes you shed far too many tears.

In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged!

I must keep reminding myself of this quote! I go through my daily routines and there it is…this quote, hanging overhead, dripping down on me like a slow, steady rain. Seeping into my thoughts and trying to remind myself……distance….can….be….bridged!

My alarm goes off in the morning. I lean to my left and hit snooze and then turn to my right. That side of my bed is empty. I am awake now…..but it can be bridged!

I take a shower and drape myself in a towel and walk into my room with faint bits of water still soaking on my skin. I turn my back and no one is there to help me dry off….but it can be bridged!

I make my coffee in the morning and fill the pot a bit too much. There will be no second cup to make….but it can be bridged!

I head to work and walk solo down the Boston city streets. The sun is breaking through the sky and I squint my eyes as I walk to my office, coffee in hand…..in the cup he gave me….and it can be bridged.

I get through my work day and trudge home, tired and full stories from the office. We will speak tonight. Every night. Always. And there is the distance……it can be bridged.

We see eachother monthly….sometimes more than that. We speak daily…..all day…..every day. Pictures. Emails. Phone calls. We bridge.

He is there.

I am here.

It is lonely at times. I can’t lie about that.

But there is a fine line that binds us. A small transparent string that I know is there. It connects me to him and therein lays our bridge.

And in the end we will find eachother in the same place at the same time….across the span….and on the other side…..and it will be eachother we are holding on to with the bridge behind us!

It will be bridged!

My suitcase is empty

My suitcase is sitting on top of my bed
Flipped open
Empty
There is a pile of clothing smattered around the red edges of the case
My eyes are swollen
Red
Rimmed with tears
The phone call came early this morning.
Change your flight
I did
She was in the hospital
She was doing better
She and I spoke on the phone
Yesterday
And the conversation was about nothing
It filled me with everything
I don’t know what changed
She changed
She’s 90
She’s tired
She’s lived
OH HOW SHE’S LIVED!
A life
An amazing life
I’ve lived my life for her
No further treatment at this time
No pills
No drugs
She won’t even eat
Two tablespoons of soup
Today
That was all
She has been brought home to die
On her terms
She will have it no other way
She’s my hero
The phone has been ringing
The calls from friends
The texts
The messages
I thank you
Talk to me about anything
Take this away from me for a moment
A second
Then let me cry
I am leaving
To go home
To say goodbye
And I need someone to stab me
To punch me
To do anything to make me feel
Anything
But this
She is ready
I am not
My suitcase is empty
Because this is not real
I will try and pack
And fill the red suitcase with things which have no importance
And I hurt
But oh how I have loved
This woman
My grandmother
And so I will leave
With a full suitcase
And a heavy heart
I will return empty

Dumb….like me!

Very few things in this world make me speechless and very, very few things leave me so angry and emotional that I am left not only speechless but immobile and almost incapable of reacting.

Last night I was on the T. I worked a bit late so I managed to avoid the after work rush and catch a nearly empty train home. I don’t live far from my office and am usually on the T for roughly 20 minutes as I have only 6 stops until my exit.

I left my book at home and had nothing to keep myself occupied for the short trip to my station. I was left with the option of either reading the ads on the train or just sort of “people watching” while pretending like I was just staring into space.

I chose the latter.

As I was looking around the train I caught sight of three teenagers in pure fits of laughter. One of them stood up for a second and pretended to sort of limp and drag his leg and then proceeded to fall back into the seat, holding his sides from the pain of his snickering. One of the other teens started to speak loudly, affecting the speech pattern of hearing impaired person. He then started drooling and giggling as he was egged-on by the other boys.

I stared at them for about thirty seconds before I realized what was happening.

Sitting directly across from these kids was a young boy. The boy in question had Down’s Syndrome and he sat there watching as these teens taunted and made fun of him.

I…..I…..I…..couldn’t say a word. I was so angry I was stunned into silence. The train lurched to a stop and the teens guffawed their way off.

——————————————————————————–

I have a brother. I love him with every ounce of my being (and probably more than he is aware).

My brother is mentally handicapped. He is a gentle giant of sorts and I have always likened him to a “Lenny” type from “Of Mice and Men”.

Years ago when I was in my early 20s, I picked my brother up from his job. It was a rare rainy day in L.A. and my mother asked if I would take him home so he didn’t have to take the bus in the torrential downpour.

We drove in silence for about 5 minutes until my brother started asking questions about various bits of my life. At that point in time we didn’t’ see each other very often. I was living with my then boyfriend and he asked “Does this mean you are getting married?”

“No”, I said, “we’re just sort of hanging out and spending time together.”

“Oh”, he said, a bit confused. “Ummmm, do you wanna get married?”

“Someday, I guess so.” was my reply.

This left the door open for some playful ribbing. So I sort of half smirked at him and started in with my line of questioning.

“Well what about you?” I said. “Do you want to get married?”

“YES!” my brother said. “That would be cool. I want that someday.”

I giggled.

“And kids?” I said. “Are you going to have kids?”

“NO! NO KIDS.” he said. “NO WAY!”

He was so emphatic about that. I was taken aback.

“Why not?” I asked, thinking he had something funny to say as a response.

“Because”, he said, “I don’t want them to be dumb like me.”

It was still pouring rain and I just looked at my brother in shock.

I pulled my car over to the side of the road and sobbed.

——————————————————————————–

 
I looked at the young boy on the train, the object of their chortles and jokes. He had obviously been affected by these cretins. I had been affected by these cretins!

I could feel the lump in my throat begin to grow.

Suddenly, the young boy looked in my direction and pointed at the empty space where the taunting teens had been sitting.

“They’re dumb”, he said and then smiled a big, beaming, toothy smile in my direction.

I nodded in agreement and exited the train at the next stop.

I walked slowly to my car, step by step, with too many thoughts in my head.

On the drive home I pulled my car over to the side and sobbed.

Hitting the eject button!

(Those who know will understand and those who don’t can ignore.)

Music has always been a big part of my life. Sometimes there is a song that just “nails” how you are feeling.

This song by Flogging Molly has been on repeat in my CD player for about a month. 

Whistles the wind
Blowin’ my way
Sweepin’ me back, back here to stay
Can winners be losers?
Runnin’ on the same track
While some head for glory, others we crash

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life where’s it gone
And somebody told me you were doin’ okay
But somehow I guess they were wrong

My isolation
Now there’s a sobering thought
A minute alone, a lifetime too long
See the face in this mirror
So pale it could crack
Desperately wantin’ the color it lacks

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life where’s it gone
And somebody told me you were doin’ okay
But somehow I guess they were wrong

So you drank with the lost souls
For too many years
Tied to their ankles now crippled with fear
Never been righteous though seldom were wrong
Life’s only living with you in this song

Now there’s an ocean between
Where I am and where I want to be
So you prayers in doubt
Doubt not for me

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life where’s it gone
And somebody told me you were doin’ okay
But somehow I guess they were wrong

Though you’ll find your way out
But there’s no goin’ now
Every woman and child
Drags you down for the dive
It’s not safe being free
Can’t give back what you feel
You said you’ll always be in heaven with me

…..I took the CD out today and I’m broken…..

…..yet free!