Is it any wonder people don’t “date” anymore?

Many years ago, while living in L.A., I spent the majority of my time at a little dive bar called the Culver Saloon (R.I.P.) It was a tiny litte dim-lit club that had some great Rockabilly shows….and pretty darn rootin’ tootin’ close to home. (Side note: – as with all awesome Rockabilly clubs in L.A., they shut it down and turned it into a Salsa club *sigh*)

One night, I was getting drinks at the bar while the band played and my friends twirled on the dance floor. It was a busy night and thus the wait was a bit longer than usual. The guy on the barstool next to me started to talk to me and before long, we were having a fun little repartee. He asked for my number. I obliged. I grabbed my drinks and headed off to my friends.

I didn’t think much of it until a week later when he called me on a Sunday night.

The conversation was short and to the point – would I like to go out the following Friday for dinner and a movie? A trite cliche but I accepted.

I assumed I may hear from him one more time before the big “date” night – a status check phone call or something. But I was wrong.

Every night….every SINGLE night up til Friday he called me at exactly 8:00 PM to talk about NOTHING….what he was watching on T.V., what he wanted to watch on T.V., NOTHING!

I thought I may lose my mind and was seriously considering putting the big CANCEL stamp on Friday..but I didn’t.

Friday night rolls around and Mr. Suave shows up at my house. I opened the door and went into immediate shock.

He looked like Hot Topic had thrown up all over him! Seriously. He had the too cool “I wear my sunglasses at night” shades on. He had a crown ring on his finger. A button down neo rockabilly flamed shirt. Pre-cuffed (for the too lazy to cuff ‘em on your own) jeans. And the crowning glory – flamed creepers to match his shirt.

*shudder*

I didn’t invite him in but rather grabbed by bag and headed out the door.

We walked down stairs to his Ford Truck with KROQ stickers and NO DOUBT stickers plastered all over the back window. For those who are from L.A. you can get the lameness that is KROQ. For those not from L.A….just accept the stated fact that KROQ radio station SUCKS!

I got into the car and we headed to Century City. I figured we could go to the restaurant section of the mall and see a quick movie and I could bury this date quickly.

He wanted to see a Chris Rock film called “Bad Company”. I had no opinion and was just happy he picked something. He was trying to decide which show we should see…the one that started in 45 minutes or the one that started in 2 hours. I opted for the 45 minute one (wanting to end this catastrophe as soon as possible) and suggested we just grab a quick “before movie” bite to eat. We waited in line and finally reached the ticket window.

“Two adults” he said.

The woman behind the counter printed out the tickets and said “That’ll be $16″.

He stood there.

And stood there.

And JUST stood there.

“Oh…allow me” I said. As I reached in my purse to pay for the tickets.
After the tickets were purchased, we headed over to the food court to grab a bite to eat. He wanted to go to Johnny Rockets. I wanted to punch him in the adams apple and run away.

We went to Johnny Rockets.

After our food was ordered we just sat across from each other in silence. Finally, I had enough and started to just ask basic question about him and his life.

He replied with one word answers. It was like pulling teeth to have a conversation and I gave up just as the food arrived. I don’t even think I chewed my food…swallowed it whole and asked for the check.

The waitress dropped the check on the table and he sat there, not even reaching for it. Finally, I looked up and said..”Since I got the movie tickets, how ’bout you grab the tab”.

He picked up the check and went to pay. I gathered my bits and pieces and was thinking of ways to escape. He drove here so running to my car was not an option. It was Friday night and all my friends were out so calling for reinforcements was not an option. I bowed me head and trudged to the theatre and thought “It’s only two hours, I can do this”.

We got up to the theatre and found seats near the front. The previews started and BAM….a preview for the movie “Blue Crush” started flashing across the screen. Girls…bikini’s…hawaii…water…..it was too much for him to handle. Every time a girl in a bikini flashed across the screen, my lovely gentleman date belted out a loud “Daaaayuuuummmmmm WOOOT WOOOT Baaaaaaaby”.

I died a little and slunk lower in my seat.

FINALLY…the movie started.

It was a typical Chris Rock fare…I am hard presssed to remember the plot line as I was just jumping out of my skin and hoping the movie would end soon. Every time an insult was lobbed across the screen in the dialogue between the actors, Mr. Suave belted a “Daaaaayuuuuuum…that’s Rough”.

I died some more.

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, the movie ended and we walked back to the car. I should say he strolled and I sprinted actually. We got in the car and he drove me home. As he was driving around looking for a parking spot I said “You don’t need to park, I’ll just hop out here”.

“OH”, he said “I can’t come up?”

“I have to get up really early,” I replied. “It’s better if I just call it a night.”

“Damn”, he said “I had a really great time. I thought we could hang out more or maybe we can do this again?”

The car was at a slow roll and I opened the door, not waiting for it to stop, and hopped out.

As I was slamming the door behind me I looked back and said “Oh well, not sure if I will have time to do this again. Busy life, you know. But the night is still young kid…I think Hot Topic is having a sale…head on over to the mall!”

….and I sprinted upstairs and double locked the doors!

I am still shuddering in disbelief!