I have kept mostly silent about the goings on in my family of late. A few friends know what has been happening and a few were with me when I crumbled into a ball of tears at the latest development.
As some of you know, my grandmother is the THE most important person in my world. She is 91 years old and my little bundle of fire. A powerhouse! An artist! An orator! A wit! An amazing lady!
Her health has been in decline for the past few years. On Monday I received a phone call that she had a series of terrible falls. Being 3000 miles away, I am not privy to the daily goings on and I rely on feedback from her assistant or from my mother. Though I speak to my grandmother on the phone every day, she never would tell me if she is not well or ailing.
The falls left her with two broken cheek bones, a fractured rib, a black eye and two knots on the back of her head.
My heart dropped and I braced myself for the worst case scenario. I spoke with her on the phone and the slowness of her voice and the hesitation in her words sent me into a tailspin.
My mother flew to L.A. to be with her and to take her to a myriad of doctors appointments. She started to heal and seems to be on the road to recovery.
Last night, as I spoke with her, her voice slow but sure, I asked if this was all worth it? This fight she was making….holding on to her life…when she’s in pain and struggling. We have always been staunch believers that it is the quality of one’s life which matters not the quantity!
She replied: “As long as I can still laugh, have fun, think, talk to you and maybe get in a little painting, YES!!!”
I didn’t get to choose my family….but I sure got one lucky hand….and I sure do love them!!!
It’s like a whirlpool – it sucks you in and then let’s you go!
February 5, 2009
My visit to L.A. started with the best intentions. The tickets were purchased a while back and I was heading out to visit family and spend time with old friends. Plans were made…shenanigans were plotted.
And then all hell broke loose and the most amazing person in my life was sucked into a whirlpool of failing health and everything changed.
I boarded my flight on 1/29 with red, swollen eyes and was expecting the worst. Friends rallied around me for support.
And then everything changed!!!!
My grandmother slowly improved.
As each day passes, she surprises and amazes me with her strength.
She is much altered from a year ago…the last time I saw her. But she has been getting out of bed, eating, talking, attempting to work….LIVING!
We have hired nurses for round the clock care. I have been spending almost all my time with her and talking….talking….sharing…..absorbing her amazing energy and spirit.
Fences were mended on this visit…and apologies were given…though apparently unnecessary. There are a few lost years to my life with my grandmother…something that looms and hangs in the background and gives me great shame.
I spent too many years mired in addiction and 2 of those years were spent without any contact with my grandmother. I was lost to the world and lost to my family. I look back on that time and realize the great pain and shame I caused them….and I have spent the past 18 years of my sobriety trying to make up for those years.
Will this be the last good visit? I hope not.
But I have a sense of closure if it is!
She IS proud of me and she does forgive me for something that, until now, I couldn’t forgive in myself.
Today is a good day!
And I will take each day as it comes, one day at a time!
My suitcase is empty
January 29, 2009
My suitcase is sitting on top of my bed
Flipped open
Empty
There is a pile of clothing smattered around the red edges of the case
My eyes are swollen
Red
Rimmed with tears
The phone call came early this morning.
Change your flight
I did
She was in the hospital
She was doing better
She and I spoke on the phone
Yesterday
And the conversation was about nothing
It filled me with everything
I don’t know what changed
She changed
She’s 90
She’s tired
She’s lived
OH HOW SHE’S LIVED!
A life
An amazing life
I’ve lived my life for her
No further treatment at this time
No pills
No drugs
She won’t even eat
Two tablespoons of soup
Today
That was all
She has been brought home to die
On her terms
She will have it no other way
She’s my hero
The phone has been ringing
The calls from friends
The texts
The messages
I thank you
Talk to me about anything
Take this away from me for a moment
A second
Then let me cry
I am leaving
To go home
To say goodbye
And I need someone to stab me
To punch me
To do anything to make me feel
Anything
But this
She is ready
I am not
My suitcase is empty
Because this is not real
I will try and pack
And fill the red suitcase with things which have no importance
And I hurt
But oh how I have loved
This woman
My grandmother
And so I will leave
With a full suitcase
And a heavy heart
I will return empty
