Claude Strikes Again!
November 5, 2009
Before the teen years started turning my mother’s hair gray, my insane klutziness was the cause of her frequent trips to the hair salon for a cover-up dye job. My mother was never sure if I would make it through the day unscathed……or even alive. I could, as she so eloquently put it, trip over the patterns in carpets.
Growing up (back in the days of yore) before cell phones or even voicemail for that matter, we had a little hallway niche that held our landline and answering machine. Sadly, this old technology involved many connected wires that were left dangling. Our answering machine was frequently replaced as I would trip over the phone cords and send the poor machine flying into the wall on a monthly basis.
For all my clumsiness, I only had one cracked head and one broken bone in my childhood years. I was generally just covered with a multitude of scratches and bruises and my room was filled with knick knacks and such that I had broken in one of my klutz attacks.
My mother nicknamed me “Claude” (as in clod)!
The scariest day in my family was not the day I received a driver’s license or any other age appropriate milestone event but rather the day I got my first pair of “high heeled shoes” – age 12. I think my mother was convinced that my clumsiness would result in a fall of epic proportions and she would be called to my school to identify my body. Cause of death – “tripped on own shoes”.
The klutz in me did not go away as I grew older. However, it has taken extended vacations. I am either more conscious of my surroundings and therefore less clumsy or more resilient and less likely to cause serious bodily harm. I do admit that I stub my toes weekly and have at least one mystery bruise at any given time.
My boyfriend has met “Claude” on a few occasions. I think my “Claude” personality amuses him to no end and he has stopped asking where the scratches or bruises came from and has come to accept that his girlfriend is prone to occasional bouts of klutziness.
And then today happened!
As I was walking out of my house and down the stairs to the driveway (yes, I AM taking a risk whenever stairs are involved), I slipped on the worlds tiniest patch of early morning dew iciness and went tumbling forward. Luckily, I know the drill. At the first sign of clumsy unsteadiness I toss my hands forward to break the fall. Sadly it was concrete blacktop and I scraped the palms of my hands and landed…kerplunk….on both knees…..taking all the skin off in the fall.
So what do I do? Cry? Get upset? Freak out?
Not I!
I shake it off and chalk it up to the return of the 5 foot tall klutz and am thankful that I am not fully grown as I generally don’t have far to tumble. I get into my car and dutifully take a cell phone picture of my scraped up knee and send it off to my caring boyfriend. I was thinking that perhaps some loving words of sympathy might make me feel better.
His text response after receiving the picture:
“DUDE – you need to start wearing protective gear 24/7!”
The randomness of life, I suppose!
June 13, 2009
I am supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me:
1.) I used to hate coffee. Despise it. Never drank the stuff. I even worked in coffee houses for years and was secretly disgusted by the product I served to other people. Now, I can’t make it through a day without coffee.
2.) While I have voiced my none too positive opinions on burlesque or the recent trend of roller derby (burlesque on skates?), I have to admit that I participated in a sort of burlesque type show and there are pictures of me dressed like a cigarette girl and …well…then I am(un)dressed in a red bra, garters and stockings. Ahh, my sordid past. I can never run for political office.
3.) I was a drug addict and have been sober from drugs for 18 years. Sobriety is what turned me on to coffee in point 1 (go AA meetings!). I’d make a lousy Mormon!
4.) I used to fancy myself a writer and went to college to achieve my goal of being the next tortured poet – or something like that. Now, when I reread the things I wrote, I want to curl up and die from embarassment. That is my instant reaction. My next reaction is to tear that crap into tiny confetti shreds.
5.) Mayonnaise is the nastiest substance EVER and I can’t eat anything that has mayo on it.
6.) I hate bare feet. Feet freak me out. I can’t get pedicures. I can’t stand people touching my feet and I can’t stand the thought of touching someone else’s feet.
7.) I knit – badly. I am currently only able to knit hats and scarves. I could probably knit a blanket – which is, let’s all face facts, a big scarf.
8.) I love to make chocolates. I worked for an ex-boyfriend’s mother each holiday season and learned how to make these sweet treats. I make them as holiday presents each year – except this year. Too costly and quite time consuming.
9.) I love buying or making presents for people but am horrible about waiting to give them on special occasions. I just give them to my friends or family as soon as I get them. I just don’t have the patience to wait.
10.) I have been collecting vintage clothes for 13+ years. I have so much stuff – half of which doesn’t even fit anymore. I have to face the fact that I will never have a 24″ waist again but I can’t bear to part with them. So all these treasures hang in my closet and collect dust. Either that or I need to find a really good corset!
11.) I had one major goal in my adult life – to own my own washer and dryer. I finally realized that goal two years ago. I don’t have anything else to look forward to hahaha.
12.) I’ve been engaged…twice. I attempted to return both rings but neither attempt was successful…anyone need an engagement ring??? I’m still not sure if I’d like to get married. Maybe..maybe not. BUT I am pretty happy that it was not to either one of the engagement ring “purchasers”. I was never the type of gal who dreamed about marriage or my wedding day.
13.) On the subject of jewelry….I don’t really like it. I am not a jewelry wearing type of gal. Never was one for flashy stuff.
14.) My highschool friends still call me “Claire”…..and while it annoyed the ever loving piss out of me in highschool/junior high…I find it quite endearing now and smile every time I hear it. I love that these are people who have stayed in my life for over 20 years. My brother used to call me “Na” because he can’t pronounce my name and sometimes people will call me “Ari”. I don’t have the heart to tell them that I HATE being called “Ari”. *shudder*
15.) I once left my house with a full head of hair and came back with my head shaved. I was a teenager. My mother thought I needed to be institutionalized. I probably did!
16.) When I was a teen, I was a total slob…and pretty out of control. One summer I disappeared for three weeks. I went on a road trip to San Francisco and spent most of my time at the Gilman and living out of my car hahah. My room at home looked like a hurricane had hit it. When I finally decided to come home, I walked into my room and found some friends cleaning it. They had stopped by to see if I was home and my mother (who can be quite frightening) forced them to clean up my room. They actually did it. Rather than be embarrassed, I laughed, grabbed some clothes and left again for another week. I took my friends with me though! My mother threw me out when I got back.
17.) My boyfriend (from a long long time ago) once snuck into my room late at night. We were hanging out and he had to use the bathroom. So he quietly crept into the main part of the house and walked in on my my mother, NAKED. I heard lots of screaming. I think my ex boyfriend may still be in therapy!
18.) I am not at all a picky eater but I can’t stand, for some reason, Thanksgiving foods. I don’t really like Turkey though I will eat it. I HATE green beans. DESPISE yams. Stuffing makes me gag. So all I usually eat is cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes.
19.) I can’t sing or carry a tune but MUSIC is a huge part of my life. I believe I may be court ordered in all fifty states to NEVER sing in public. I won’t even hum. But I can’t live without music. I can play the piano and the flute (badly) and a mean “mary had a little lamb” on the recorder hahah!
20.) I have a really odd aversion to taking care of my computer. I am fully aware that I must “back-up” and all the other bits and pieces that come with computer care. I set out with the best intentions but never quite seem to get around to it. I’ve even lost a few computers and everything on them to major computer crashes and yet still can’t seem to learn this lesson.
21.) I am close to my family – especially my grandmother. She is my world and I am not sure I could ever survive the day she passes away. I have been really lucky…so far. Only my grandfather has passed away.
22.) I have stayed friends with almost all my ex’s….with only one, maybe two exceptions. The “maybe” (my ex-fiance) is yet to be determined upon his release date..yikes.
23.) I will only wear one brand/type of perfume – Sung by Alfred Sung.
24.) I used to be adamant that I NEVER wanted kids. Now, I’m not so sure.
25.) I sometimes wish life had a “do-over” button.
Is it any wonder people don’t “date” anymore?
February 9, 2009
Many years ago, while living in L.A., I spent the majority of my time at a little dive bar called the Culver Saloon (R.I.P.) It was a tiny litte dim-lit club that had some great Rockabilly shows….and pretty darn rootin’ tootin’ close to home. (Side note: – as with all awesome Rockabilly clubs in L.A., they shut it down and turned it into a Salsa club *sigh*)
One night, I was getting drinks at the bar while the band played and my friends twirled on the dance floor. It was a busy night and thus the wait was a bit longer than usual. The guy on the barstool next to me started to talk to me and before long, we were having a fun little repartee. He asked for my number. I obliged. I grabbed my drinks and headed off to my friends.
I didn’t think much of it until a week later when he called me on a Sunday night.
The conversation was short and to the point – would I like to go out the following Friday for dinner and a movie? A trite cliche but I accepted.
I assumed I may hear from him one more time before the big “date” night – a status check phone call or something. But I was wrong.
Every night….every SINGLE night up til Friday he called me at exactly 8:00 PM to talk about NOTHING….what he was watching on T.V., what he wanted to watch on T.V., NOTHING!
I thought I may lose my mind and was seriously considering putting the big CANCEL stamp on Friday..but I didn’t.
Friday night rolls around and Mr. Suave shows up at my house. I opened the door and went into immediate shock.
He looked like Hot Topic had thrown up all over him! Seriously. He had the too cool “I wear my sunglasses at night” shades on. He had a crown ring on his finger. A button down neo rockabilly flamed shirt. Pre-cuffed (for the too lazy to cuff ‘em on your own) jeans. And the crowning glory – flamed creepers to match his shirt.
*shudder*
I didn’t invite him in but rather grabbed by bag and headed out the door.
We walked down stairs to his Ford Truck with KROQ stickers and NO DOUBT stickers plastered all over the back window. For those who are from L.A. you can get the lameness that is KROQ. For those not from L.A….just accept the stated fact that KROQ radio station SUCKS!
I got into the car and we headed to Century City. I figured we could go to the restaurant section of the mall and see a quick movie and I could bury this date quickly.
He wanted to see a Chris Rock film called “Bad Company”. I had no opinion and was just happy he picked something. He was trying to decide which show we should see…the one that started in 45 minutes or the one that started in 2 hours. I opted for the 45 minute one (wanting to end this catastrophe as soon as possible) and suggested we just grab a quick “before movie” bite to eat. We waited in line and finally reached the ticket window.
“Two adults” he said.
The woman behind the counter printed out the tickets and said “That’ll be $16″.
He stood there.
And stood there.
And JUST stood there.
“Oh…allow me” I said. As I reached in my purse to pay for the tickets.
After the tickets were purchased, we headed over to the food court to grab a bite to eat. He wanted to go to Johnny Rockets. I wanted to punch him in the adams apple and run away.
We went to Johnny Rockets.
After our food was ordered we just sat across from each other in silence. Finally, I had enough and started to just ask basic question about him and his life.
He replied with one word answers. It was like pulling teeth to have a conversation and I gave up just as the food arrived. I don’t even think I chewed my food…swallowed it whole and asked for the check.
The waitress dropped the check on the table and he sat there, not even reaching for it. Finally, I looked up and said..”Since I got the movie tickets, how ’bout you grab the tab”.
He picked up the check and went to pay. I gathered my bits and pieces and was thinking of ways to escape. He drove here so running to my car was not an option. It was Friday night and all my friends were out so calling for reinforcements was not an option. I bowed me head and trudged to the theatre and thought “It’s only two hours, I can do this”.
We got up to the theatre and found seats near the front. The previews started and BAM….a preview for the movie “Blue Crush” started flashing across the screen. Girls…bikini’s…hawaii…water…..it was too much for him to handle. Every time a girl in a bikini flashed across the screen, my lovely gentleman date belted out a loud “Daaaayuuuummmmmm WOOOT WOOOT Baaaaaaaby”.
I died a little and slunk lower in my seat.
FINALLY…the movie started.
It was a typical Chris Rock fare…I am hard presssed to remember the plot line as I was just jumping out of my skin and hoping the movie would end soon. Every time an insult was lobbed across the screen in the dialogue between the actors, Mr. Suave belted a “Daaaaayuuuuuum…that’s Rough”.
I died some more.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, the movie ended and we walked back to the car. I should say he strolled and I sprinted actually. We got in the car and he drove me home. As he was driving around looking for a parking spot I said “You don’t need to park, I’ll just hop out here”.
“OH”, he said “I can’t come up?”
“I have to get up really early,” I replied. “It’s better if I just call it a night.”
“Damn”, he said “I had a really great time. I thought we could hang out more or maybe we can do this again?”
The car was at a slow roll and I opened the door, not waiting for it to stop, and hopped out.
As I was slamming the door behind me I looked back and said “Oh well, not sure if I will have time to do this again. Busy life, you know. But the night is still young kid…I think Hot Topic is having a sale…head on over to the mall!”
….and I sprinted upstairs and double locked the doors!
I am still shuddering in disbelief!
Married?????….sheesh!
December 18, 2008
A few years back, when I was still a smoker, I was driving home from work and realized I was in desperate need of a fresh pack of cigarettes. I pulled into the 7-11 parking lot near my apartment and lingered in my car for a few moments as I gathered my various bits and pieces together.
Just as I was getting out of my car and getting ready to slam the door shut I heard a distinctive ***CARRRUUUUNCCCCHHHH*****
I looked over and the car next to me had cut the wheel too soon and plowed into the back passenger side door of my car.
The guy behind the wheel of the other car just sort of put his head on his steering wheel and seemed to be shaking it in disbelief.
I stood there glaring at him.
He looked up at me and threw the car into drive. Rather than adjust his steering I watched as….***CARRRUUUUNCCCCHHHH***** he pulled back into the parking space taking more of my car with him.
I walked over to his car and gently tapped on the window and said, “Ummm yeah….so I’m gonna need to get your information here…wanna get out of the car?”
He slowly got out of the car, shaking his head and profusely apologizing.
Rather than inspect the damage done to my car he immediately walked to the front of his and started looking at the scratches and dents he put on the front driver’s side of his BMW.
“Hey guy”, I said “I’m sure there’s time to inspect your car but can you toss me your license and insurance information please?”
“I’m so sorry…so sorry..so sorry”, he kept repeating.
“Do you think there is any way we can do this without involving my insurance company?”, he pleaded.
“Yeah, I’m sure there is”, I said, my nicotine edge slowly wearing off, “but I still want to get your info”.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his Driver’s License and Insurance Card and handed them over to me.
“Umm….I guess I need to get your information too”, he said.
As I fumbled in my purse for a pen and paper I sort of shook my head and replied…”Naw, you hit me so I think your info will do just fine!”
I started to jot down his name and other tidbits as he stood nervously near me. Trying to make him feel a bit more relaxed, I commented on the middle name listed on his Driver’s License.
“Oh”, I said, “your middle name is Pasquale. That’s my dad’s middle name. You don’t see that name too often”.
He walked a little closer to me and said “Really!?!? Is that really your dad’s middle name. Wow…so are you Italian?”
I sort of chuckled and said “Yup, sure am!”
“Oh”, he said leaning in closely….”So…..are you married?”
I took a step back and laughed.
“Yeah dude”, I replied…”I think we may have to go through the insurance company on this one!”
